Another Day

If you don't make yourself useful, then what is the use in having you around. If you aren't there when I need you, then why do I need you at all.

I remember when I first met my husband. I had no idea we would ever end up together. Matter of fact I straight told him he was a nice guy but we would not be dating. We hung out together and talked on the phone for hours and hours. Seemed like we were mad in tune and found so many things that we had in common.

He was the first man that I dated that I would allow around my then two year old son. Truly he was the first man that I dated that I did not feel was constantly taking from me. It seemed to be a truly reciprocal relationship. He bought me little things all of the time, took me places and I would never pay a dime, was even free with the cash when I was having a hard time making ends meet.

So now I've got this almost repulsive being who lives in my home who:

1. Ain't pulling in dough like he should.
2. Ain't trying to do anything about it like we don't need the cash, (while I'm working my regular job and when tax season starts an extra job, and by next month some after work, or my job's version of overtime hours as well).
3. Ain't pulling down his share of the home work load, while I'm feeling damn near like a slave (shopping, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else needs to be done).

I mean, WTF. I can't even figure out how this situation was created. All I can say is that after 18 years a relationship grows, evolves and becomes. Bottom line I guess is that I don't like what this shit has become. It is like some new version of crazy.

What totally bugs me out is that he doesn't even seem to realize that something is not right. The fact that the sex life is suffering would that be a clue? I think in his mind I am just being the bitchy wife. How about I am straight tired? How about I feel like I am taking care of another child which happens to be the straight opposite of a turn on. How about this crazy shit has got to stop. If I go shopping can you put the groceries away? If I cook can you clean up the kitchen? Can I get a home cooked meal that I didn't have to cook? I don't even know the last time that happened. So I'm back to my original statement.

If you don't make yourself useful, then what is the use in having you around. If you aren't there when I need you, then why do I need you at all.

Catching Up

Where does the time go? I surely can't even figure it out. It has been more than a minute since I have been able to blog. Been straight busy for the past couple of weeks. Doing what you might ask? Getting back to the grind I guess.

First off I did manage to paint the majority of my apartment like I wanted to. My son helped me the first day, but boy does he complain. He pretty much wore me out to the point that I preferred to complete the job by myself, which I did. That first day I was sore beyond all belief and tired as hell. Swore up and down that I would never even attempt such a job again as long as I live. Of course the next couple of days were not nearly as bad. The muscles were used to working and it was not all that bad. The only room in my apartment that is not painted now is the master (so to speak) bedroom. The furniture in there is so big and bulky that moving the furniture alone will be a job all by itself, the painting just adds to the tortuous joy of it all. Glad that is done but a little pissed than not only did my husband not help in the effort, he has not even managed to deal with piles of stuff that belong to him that need to be dealt with but ... that's a topic for another day.

I also managed to complete a couple of training classes during August. One of course was boring, boring, boring but I do so love my gadget. The other will be useful as the school year progresses. And of course, the school year has begun. This means readjusting to getting up at a specific time everyday and being somewhere in a timely fashion. Haven't gotten back into the groove yet and am still fighting with the alarm clock each and every morning. I need those clocks to fall back and quick cause I don't know about everybody else but I need an extra hour in the morning.

Packed my son off to school as well and the house is empty of children again. Husband didn't help out with that either but ... again a topic for another day. Everything should be peaceful and happy but ... did I say already that is a topic for another day. I think I did.

And the Annual Women's Day at church is quickly approaching as well as the 10th Annual Women's Retreat. Retreat is always a joy and miracle of miracle I actually finished paying for it last Sunday. For a minute there it was looking dicey. I still need to pay for church gear for myself as well as my mother and my other mother. They go on retreat every year and somehow I end up paying for their gear. I love them both though, so I'm sure the money will appear from somewhere.

Women's Day however has become like another job for me. First off it is a long day with 3 services. The first one starting at 8:00 AM and the last one ending usually aroung 6:00 PM. I call it a pentecostal day cause it seems like it never ends. On top of that, each year some of the church women perform a praise dance during the main church service of the day. I have danced with the women every year since the first year except for the year that I had double spine surgery. That first year was wonderful. A truly spiritually uplifting experience for me. I never took dance like most young girls growing up so it was my first time ever dancing. I did not even think I would be able to do it when I started and was surprised that I picked up steps fairly easily and was able to remember the steps and sequences without much problem. I practiced and rehearsed and was crazy dedicated. During the next couple of years while the newness had worn off it was still a joy. Somewhere along the line it became this incredible chore. It doesn't help that each year the dances get longer and more complicated. The dance this year is 8 minutes and 25 seconds long. This might not seem like a long time but when you are moving and doing all these steps it is a very long time. I keep telling the choreographer that we are not dancers we just play like we are on Women's Day and she needs to get a grip. Of course since I pick up fairly quickly she pays me no mind. This year when asked I said I did not think I would participate. My close friend looked at me, smiled and said so I'll put you down as dancing. The first year when she wanted to quit I damn near threatened her and she has never let me forget it. However I should have stuck to my first inclination. My dedication has been less than what it really takes to do the dances well. I know all of the steps now but they still don't quite feel comfortable because I have not practiced nearly as often as I should. And I am at such a spiritual low that I just hope and pray that on the Sunday of the dance the holy spirit takes over and gives me what it takes to make it the beautiful experience for the worshippers that it should be.

What have I learned from all of this? If you must do work during your vacation, don't wait till the end of your vacation to do it. Knock it out quickly so that you can relax at the end and be rested when it is time to return to work. Follow your first instinct, it is usually correct. THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN HAVING SOMEONE ELSE SAY I TOLD YOU SO IS TO HAVE TO TELL IT TO YOURSELF. Should I know these lessons already? Of course but some lessons are hard to learn I guess and I am obviously still in the learning process.

Boring, Boring, Boring

This post is so late it is almost irrelevant. I started it on day three of a four day training that ended almost exactly two weeks ago. But here goes anyway.

So for the past three days I have been in training at a school in Manhattan for a new gadget given to librarians in NYC public schools. The gadget is the best. It is a Hewlett Packard Tablet. I love it, love it, love it. Unfortunately in order to keep the thing I have to endure training for it.

OK, so I picked it up during the first week in August and my training wasn't scheduled to begin until this week, which is the third week in August. They told us that we really shouldn't play with it and if we break it we buy it. Of course they all know me pretty well and knew that was not going to happen. In that time I played with it everyday. I downloaded software. I took it to another training and took notes using it. I imported all of the songs from iTunes on my home computer. And now someone who is less comptetent than me is going to teach me how to use it. BORING, BORING, BORING.

Is this my own fault? Somewhat, because I taught myself most of what the instructor is supposed to be teaching me. I accept full responsibliity for that part however, is it my fault the instructor is less competent than me? I DON'T THINK SO! Is it my fault that it is an intermediate to advanced class with students who can't copy files from a USB disc to their My Documents folder and don't know that Windows XP is an operating system? AGAIN, I DON'T THINK SO! Is it my fault that there was no plan B for what to do if you lose wireless Internet access in a school building, which by the way happens regularly in most schools? NO, NOT MY FAULT!

The price you pay for a new toy to play with. Did I say at the beginning that I love it, love it, love it. I think I did.

You may now return to your regular programming. Later...